Public Service Announcement for Randall

Dear Randall,

Just wanted to send you a quick note to say, dude, what’s up with the way you’ve been behaving? Getting caught visiting that little psycho girl while Angela was out of town, then claiming you just wanted to make it clear to her that you have a new girlfriend? Telling Angela you were sick and had to go home at 8:00, then going over to that little psycho girl’s house at 10:00 because you “felt better”? C’mon, Randy, you aren’t fooling any of us with your bullshit.

I’m not going to get on you about the cell phone bill, though Angela says you should be paying a larger share. I’m also not going to weigh in on that “I got robbed” story, because frankly, Angela’s right – it’s a ridiculous story, especially to say it happened at 10:00am. None of us believe a word of it. Then saying you had no money while Angela fishes six bags of cocaine out of your pocket? It’s a good thing she knew someone to sell it to, because she needed money for the cell phone. I know you think you talked your way out of it, but take my advice: One outlandish story in an otherwise ordinary life can pass as a plausible fluke; telling an outlandish story every day makes you a bullshitter.

The trouble is, you might not be as sly as you think. Believe me, Angela sees through your bullshit. Don’t laugh it off, clever man – Angela has a shotgun at home, and she made it clear she’s got no problem with shooting that little psycho you’ve been sneaking around with, especially since that little psycho wrote something on Angela’s Facebook wall. (Awkward!) Add the gun to the medical documentation that proves Angela’s mental capacity is “borderline retarded” (her words) and she might be right about having a viable courtroom defense.

I’m writing because I’m concerned for you, Randall. I know you don’t know me, but Angela is clearly pissed about all this, considering how loudly she told the person on the phone and the entire population of the 5:45pm #6 yesterday. I’m not passing judgment – I’ll leave that to Angela, as she seems primed for it – but from what I’ve heard, it’s time you step up and be the man you said you were when you first started dating Angela. You remember, right? Back when you had a job, paid attention to her, and didn’t constantly spew all that bullshit that you do now. That’s all Angela wants. (And rest of us concur.)

Best wishes

Story contributed by Bill Reagan (@williamreagan). Read more of Bill’s writings at

About Bill Reagan

Bill Reagan enjoys how public transit juxtaposes neighbors and strangers in a way no other microcosm of our community can. He likes eavesdropping, striking up random conversations, and watching how people act when they think no one is looking. He can be found online at and @WilliamReagan on Twitter.
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